My dealing with depression is nothing new to anyone who's read my posts before. Right now, I'm sitting in the middle of a depression high tide. I've described my depression as a cycle in the past and now I'm adding tide to the figurative language surrounding a shitty experience. It sneaks in. It rises. I'm ankle deep...knee deep...waist deep...up to my chest and I struggling to breathe...lapping against my chin and I choke when it unexpectedly splashes into my mouth...and I'm treading water.
Right now I'm treading water.
Looking back at my day, I started feeling it rocking me around the knees at lunch. I could tell something was off, but didn't know what. The meal was delicious, the company was insightful, challenging, and handsome. No, before that. I was working in a coffee shop, sitting across from Raf and knew I couldn't concentrate on work anymore, but thought I was just restless and wanted lunch. No, before that even. I struggled to concentrate at work yesterday, the water lapping around my ankles. I chalked it up to Friday and my excitement to spend time with the teenager having a burger and seeing a highly anticipated movie. It's a slow rising tide.
And now I'm on the sofa, telling my depression's secrets. I was supposed to be going to a farewell party for a friend tonight at a KTV place, but I couldn't muster it. I messaged him and just laid it out that I'm dealing with depression and he got it. Had it been a dinner, I could have soldiered on and made it, but KTV would require me to be on and I have nothing to turn on right now. The teenager left for a party and I'm home alone. I'm not hungry. I'll likely go shower and find a movie to watch.
What do I feel? Waves. Waves of sadness at times. Waves of loneliness. Waves of failure. Waves of shame. My eyes will tear up and I want to be held and left alone. All the while the waves are rising and falling, my toes trying to find ocean floor as I tread water to stay afloat (and stay afloat I will), I see the sun rising and know that just as the tide rose, it will also fall.
It's high tide.
Thank you for sharing this abd putting into words what so many cannot express. Appreciate your openness and vulnerability.